Category Archives: LOL!

W00t! I am 51% Stupid!

I got this from someone else, but it was too fun not to post. Whee for blondeness. Too bad there is nothing about sitting at the wrong table on this one or I would have been even higher!

1. [X] I have walked into a glass/screen door.

2. [X] I have tripped on my shoelace and fallen

3. [X] I have choked on my own spit.

4. [X] I’ve seen the Matrix and still don’t get it.

5. [] I type only with my pointer fingers.

6. [X] I have accidentally caught something on fire.

7. [] I’ve told a cop screw you

8. [X] I have attempted to sip out of a straw but it accidentally went into my nose, rather than my mouth.

9. [X] I have thought of something funny, and laughed out loud and people looked at me weird.

10. [] I’ve caught myself drooling.

11. [] I’ve accidentally caused an explosion.

12. [] If someone says the word "fart", I can’t help but laugh.

13. [] I’ve been into a "Do Not Enter" one way road plenty of times

14. [X] Sometimes I just…stop thinking & zone out.

15. [] It is POSSIBLE to lick your elbow..

16. [X] I have tried to lick my elbow before…..

17. [] People often shake their heads and walk away from me

18. [] People often tell me to use my "inside voice"

19. [X] Gum has fallen out of my mouth while talking.

20. [] I’ve used my fingers to do simple math.

21. [] I’ve jumped off a moving vehicle.

22. [] I ate a bug for $5 or less.

23. [X] I’m taking this test when I should be doing something more important.

24. [] I repost chain letters because I’m scared of what they threaten will happen if I don’t.

25. [X] I’ve ended up pantless around friends

26. [] I’ve ran around when I was with friends

27. [X] I’ve searched all over the place for something, and then realized it was in my hand the whole time.

28. [X] I accidentally break a lot of things.

29. [] My friends know not to use big words on me.

30. [] I move my head to the side when I’m confused….and scratch my head…

31. [X] Sometimes I start telling a story and suddenly forget what I’m talking about.

32. [X] I’ve fallen out of my chair before

33. [X] When I’m laying in bed, I sometimes stare at the ceiling and try to find pictures and words in the texture.

Tally up your number of x’s. MULTIPLY THAT NUMBER BY 3 TO GET YOUR PERCENTAGE. Repost this as "I am __% stupid"

fscking spammers!

http://blog.dreamhost.com/2006/08/16/you-cksckn-spammers/
I found this while perusing another blog, and since it’s so similar to stuff that I have dealt with in the past, I thought it was worth a giggle for y’all. This “nice man” was concerned about some spam he got, so he decided to call in to the hosting company he felt was responsible.
Note: I am making no judgments about whether or not the spam was really originating from the company in question, just giggling at the voicemail and the blog post.
Note 2: Please take the warning about language seriously. This “nice man” has a worse potty mouth than me.
Note 3: Doesn’t the bleeping make you giggle? Cheap headphones as bleeping mechanisms FTW!

It’s … Gladiator, Dildo Style

Ok, this is probably only going to be funny to me, but what the hell.
I am reading the official sex toy saleswoman support boards this morning, and some woman mentions that she is going to play the “cock fight game” at her party. It’s early, and I am still a little punch drunk, my mind goes places.
I start picturing two party guests standing on a little stool with a Chocolate Thriller (exactly what it sounds like) in their hands. Getting ready to square off, sword fight style. The Zorro we are about to fight music begins, and then the battle royal, with both people trying to use their dildo to knock each other off their stools. The crowd cheers, and they fight. Guts, glory, it’s all here. Finally, someone is victorious…
The winner gains …. eternal glory as the winner of Dildo Wars.
I crack myself up.

True math….

From Scizzy’s site, shamelessly stolen, b/c it’s oh so funny:
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

The Most Functional English Word EVER!

Well, it’s shit… that’s right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit (and die).
Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!!
Well, shit, it’s time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit; but if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head………. Well, Shit Happens!!!

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6, and 12!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,”What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son.”
Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.” “Cool” says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March….etc.”
*giggle