LAPD, Whipped Creme, and Sex Toys, Oh My!

This is a little bit of an old story, but, it’s too funny not to share. I sell adult products on the side to make some extra cash. This is from the night I got my demo kit.
So, I get my demo kit, and of course, in my excitement, I immediately dig in to the unpacking in the middle of my living room. So my sister and I are in our t-shirts and shorts in the living room unpacking sex toys and tasting various edibles.
Unbeknownst to us, my cat, Tigger, was in the office attacking the fax machine for making funny noises. Apparently Tigger felt that they best way to combat the evil fax machine was to dial 911 with his kitten paws. Of course, when he connected, there was no one there, so the 911 operators dispatched a patrol car.
So, there is a knock on the door, and my sister answers it because we were expecting someone to come over. Just as she was opening the front door, I picked up a can of Edible Whipped Creme and decided to have a taste. I tried to get a bit out of the can, and I guess it was super full or something, because it exploded whipped creme all over me, to the amused looks of LA’s finest.
Here I am, covered in whipped creme, surrounded by about 1000 worth of adult products, and all with the LAPD looking on. I head to the bathroom to get the whipped creme out of my hair, and my sister is busy trying to convince the cops that we are really fine, honest.
The officers left, but not without laughing all the way to their f-ing car at my blonde self covered in sex toy whipped creme. I am a classy dame. 😛

Please check who you are calling

So, a dude calls me and he is like, my account is set up wrong. I have an account that I paid for for 5 years with xyz options. I tell the guy that is not possible, because we dont sell 5-year accounts. Our maximum payment period is 2 years. He keeps insisting that we sent it, and reading off account numbers that are not ours, usernames/passwords that are not ours. Finally, he goes, “wait, you are not XYZ company. Oops.” That’s why I answer the phone with my company name, idiot. LOL

Step away, Psycho Bitch!

So I am sitting at my desk, early in the morning, minding my own business. *ring* *ring*….it’s 6:15 on a Saturday morning, so of course my first thought is WTF is the matter with this person. Go back to bed!
I pick up the phone. The lady (and I use that term loosely) at the other end does not even let me finish my greeting before she starts yelling for my manager. I am sitting there thinking, “terrific, someone is going to scream at me, and I have not even had any coffee yet. Shit.” Anyway, so she starts ranting about us charging her for an account she closed in June. I look up the account, and see notes from other people that she has bitched out ever since she opened the account – in July! When I point out this little fact, she hangs up on me.
About 10 minutes later, the phone rings again. It’s the same psycho bitch. Now, she is saying that she closed the account in September. I look at the notes, and see that she started the closure process in September, but never completed it. We make people click on a link to confirm that they closed the account for security reasons. She called back in December, and the account was actually closed. I point out this fact, and she swears at me a bit, then once again hangs up. By now, I am cheering that she hung up.
Five minutes after that, the phone rings one more time. It’s – guess who – psycho bitch! Now, she is saying that we charged her in January and February. I check the account, and we did not. The account was closed in December. She then starts ranting about wanting her money back for the whole run of her account. I tell her she will need to give a call back on Monday when the billing manager is in, and she hangs up on me again. Whoohooo! She never did call back again after that.

/me dances

I am in a great mood today. That could have something to do with the fact that I am currently somewhat high on pain pills and muscle relaxers, but who cares…
/me dances!


The honey, Auntie Kirstin and I were in a car accident Wednesday night. We were rear-ended by a Taurus and a commercial van. We are all fine, other than my back now being extremely f-d up. I will probably be going to the chiropractor for the rest of my natural life though. Booo!

I hate flakes

I had two parties this weekend. One on Saturday, one on Sunday. Both of them cancelled. Saturday did not bother to call me at all. I called on Wednesday to confirm, and she’s like, oh, I am just too busy right now doing my wedding. Like she could not call me, oh, a week ago to cancel. The Sunday party called me on Friday night. I go ahead and book her, even though I don’t usually book that close in. We have everything set up, and the lady never calls me back with an address. 6 phone calls to her were unreturned.
Flakey people piss me off.

Why do I even bother talking?

I hate people. I have decided that. I hate that they don’t listen when I try to help them, I hate that they treat me like shit because I am the tech support person who answers the phone, I hate that they can’t manage to follow along when I am trying to walk them through something. Most of all, I hate them because they are helpless. 90% of my calls are stuff that would be answered if they would READ the f-ing documentation we have worked so hard to write. Is that so hard to do?

Ya Gotta Help Me Help You, Jerk

I am busy trying to eat my lunch today at work, and the phone rings. I groan, and put down my penis-on-a-stick (read corndog) and answer the phone. The caller’s exact words were, “someone pulled the plug on my ***service name***.”
I ask for his name and the proper password to be able to access support, and he does not have it. I tell him I will send him an email with the password. He insists that I wait on the phone with him until he gets the password. When I tell him that I can’t do that because there are other people waiting and it would not be fair to them, he starts screaming at me. I think he was doing it just to stall for time until he found his password. At any rate, he found it, so we start working on his problem. His problem was with email filters, and for that, we need to see what is getting through. We really need a copy of the email that is getting past the filter and a username and password for testing. I was not BS’ing the guy. LOL.
I tell him that the issue is not something we can trouble shoot over the phone and he starts really laying into me. He starts screaming at me for not wanting to help him, and telling me how our ticketing system is not user-friendly, and it is only for “it” (not IT) people. I tell him that that is really the only way to troubleshoot his issue, and he starts SCREAMING at me. He started in on this rant about how when you call the phone company, they don’t make you open a ticket. I try to explain that we are not talking about the same thing. He then starts a tirade about how he opened up a ticket for a similar issue 6 months ago and demands that I work from that one. I tell him that the old ticket has no relevance to his current problem, and he gets mad at me for not being helpful. Finally, I just said, “you know what, if you want me to help you, I need you to help me by getting me the correct info. If you are not willing to do that, this conversation is over, because we are getting nowhere.” He got really quiet, and then said, fine, I will open a ticket, and hung up.
Of course, the whole time this call was going on, all the other people knew about it, and who it was, and NO ONE was going to give this guy anything. What really made the whole thing even funnier, is he tried back again about 20 minutes later to see if he could get a different answer. When I picked up the phone, he hung up on me. Maybe he should call his phone company and see if they will teach him how to block his caller ID.
People, be nice to your local Geek.