1. Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Tough shit….its not that hard to put the seat down, and its a house rule, dammit! Thankfully, the honey is already properly trained in this area. *waves to honey…I lub you*
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Yes! Picking a present is hard!!!!!!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
That’s ok, me too. 🙂
4. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Can you take me to a Laker game on Sunday then honey?
5. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
Eh? I don’t get it. Nutthin to see here, move along. 🙂
6. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
You know what mommy taught you about please and thank you? It works for men too!
7. We don’t remember dates. . . .Period!!
That’s ok…I am the girl whose father’s wedding video still says Insert Date Here because I can’t remember it.
8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
I own four…one pair of dress boots, one pair of hiking boots, one pair of tennies, one pair of sandals that I stole from my sister, and one pair of hells (misspelling intentional). Ooops, I guess that is five, but still. If I want fashion help, well, then, thats why I have a sister and a cameraphone.
9. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
You mean it isn’t? (except when it’s do you want to do me now, then it better be HELL YES, not just yes)
10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Well, as long as you are willing to beat the hell out of the problem creator as a second option.
11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Yepper, it is…now can we find a doctor to fix it? I’d like that too.
12. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
I can’t remember what you might have said 6 hours ago, so you are saved by my blondeness!
13. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
/me looks down at her favourite Victoria’s Secret thong, and at her Victoria’s Secret bra…does that count? Also, does Melrose Place count as a soap? If not, I don’t watch ’em, so now, you are saved by my ignorance.
14. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We’ve been tricked before!!
Ok, here, I expect you to lie. I am thin dammit! (or I wish I was. Damn double chin!)
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
As long as you point it out so I can look at the pretty boobs too. What can I say, I like boobs!
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Um, have you HEARD of the team concept, stupid women?
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Word! Unless the house is on fire, then we can pause the DVR.
19. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
He wouldnt have needed directions either, if he had a MAP! Otherwise, ask.
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
HUH?! What dumbass female out there expects this? Relationships change over time. Thats part of the process.
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it isn’t in the 36 crayola crayon box, I probably don’t know what colour it is either. Pumkins are the things you make nummy pie out of, right? So are peaches. 🙂
22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
And so you should!
23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
You mean you aren’t a Betaziod? Time to break up!
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Guilty. /me hangs head in shame.
25. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Um, isn’t that logical? I thought it was.
26. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what they’re saying anyway.)
Word. Unless its MagiRanger, of course. Otherwise, I HATE!! subtitles. Captions though, that is another matter. I like captions. What? Don’t look at me like that. It’s not my fault I am hard of hearing!
28. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
BEER?!! WHERE IS THE BEER!!!!! I don’t LIKE purses. GIVE ME THE BEER!