Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6, and 12!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,”What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son.”
Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.” “Cool” says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March….etc.”

It’s Christmastime in the Valley

I am going to put up my Christmas lights today. I didn’t bother last year, so I pretty much went out and bought all new lights this year. I got some of the big lights, which is new for me. I don’t think I have ever worked with those before. I am kinda having a hard time getting into the whole spirit of things this year. It just doesn’t seem to be Christmas. Dunno why.
I have all my shopping pretty much planned out at this point. I know what I am getting everyone but the honey. He is the only one left – the rest of them are all planned. I just need to get the courage up to go shopping. Why do I wait to do this every year? I really should learn to shop in September!
In other news, I have started watching Alias. The first four eps have really kicked ass. I have heard it gets bad, but for now, it is thoroughly enjoyable. It DOES have some cringe worthy lines now and then though, but then, that’s why I like Television Without Pity so much, because I can read their snarky recaps and laugh along with them at the shit lines.
That’s all I have to say right now. Aren’t you glad you read this dull ass entry?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just wanted to stop in real quick and wish all two (or maybe three :-P) of my readers a happy Thanksgiving. I hope you have had as much to be thankful for in the last year as I have. Be well, everyone.

Men’s Rules (that women should know) with a woman’s comments

1. Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Tough shit….its not that hard to put the seat down, and its a house rule, dammit! Thankfully, the honey is already properly trained in this area. *waves to honey…I lub you*

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

Yes! Picking a present is hard!!!!!!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

That’s ok, me too. 🙂

4. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Can you take me to a Laker game on Sunday then honey?

5. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

Eh? I don’t get it. Nutthin to see here, move along. 🙂

6. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

You know what mommy taught you about please and thank you? It works for men too!

7. We don’t remember dates. . . .Period!!

That’s ok…I am the girl whose father’s wedding video still says Insert Date Here because I can’t remember it.

8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

I own four…one pair of dress boots, one pair of hiking boots, one pair of tennies, one pair of sandals that I stole from my sister, and one pair of hells (misspelling intentional). Ooops, I guess that is five, but still. If I want fashion help, well, then, thats why I have a sister and a cameraphone.

9. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

You mean it isn’t? (except when it’s do you want to do me now, then it better be HELL YES, not just yes)

10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Well, as long as you are willing to beat the hell out of the problem creator as a second option.

11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Yepper, it is…now can we find a doctor to fix it? I’d like that too.

12. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

I can’t remember what you might have said 6 hours ago, so you are saved by my blondeness!

13. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

/me looks down at her favourite Victoria’s Secret thong, and at her Victoria’s Secret bra…does that count? Also, does Melrose Place count as a soap? If not, I don’t watch ’em, so now, you are saved by my ignorance.

14. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We’ve been tricked before!!

Ok, here, I expect you to lie. I am thin dammit! (or I wish I was. Damn double chin!)

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

okkkkay….sure honey.

16. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

As long as you point it out so I can look at the pretty boobs too. What can I say, I like boobs!

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Um, have you HEARD of the team concept, stupid women?

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Word! Unless the house is on fire, then we can pause the DVR.

19. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

He wouldnt have needed directions either, if he had a MAP! Otherwise, ask.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

HUH?! What dumbass female out there expects this? Relationships change over time. Thats part of the process.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it isn’t in the 36 crayola crayon box, I probably don’t know what colour it is either. Pumkins are the things you make nummy pie out of, right? So are peaches. 🙂

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

And so you should!

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

You mean you aren’t a Betaziod? Time to break up!

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

Guilty. /me hangs head in shame.

25. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

Um, isn’t that logical? I thought it was.

26. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what they’re saying anyway.)

Word. Unless its MagiRanger, of course. Otherwise, I HATE!! subtitles. Captions though, that is another matter. I like captions. What? Don’t look at me like that. It’s not my fault I am hard of hearing!

28. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.


Things you can only say on Thanksgiving!

01. Talk about huge breasts!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It’s Cool Whip time!
04. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
05. That’s one terrific spread!
06. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
18. That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!

Clever Women?

I don’t know why this made me laugh so much, but, here it is anyway. Thanks Kirstin for the forward!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don’t mess with them..

Ending of the Mighty Hunter Story

It occurred to me that I forgot to finish my mouse story. My bad. How dare I neglect a chance to give you, my dear reader, an opportunity to laugh at my dumb ass? Bad Dessie!
Anyway, back to my latest round of stupidity. After my sleepless night, I go home. The honey is not yet home, and there is no way I am going back in the house with the possiblity for mouse bits laying about, so I wait on the front porch. After about 45 minutes, the honey calls home and tells me it is going to be another hour at least before he gets home. It’s starting to get cold, and I forgot the latop at work (tells you how tired I was, right?), so I decide to go inside, and brave the mouse. I figure it can’t get to me on my bed. I lay down, and start to take a nap, because by then, I am tired as hell. I get all comfy, and start to drift off, when McGonagall BRINGS ME THE FUCKING MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!! ON MY BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was so proud of himself, and wanted to show mommy his kill. I got up and ran back out of the house, as fast as I could. (Yes, I was clothed this time, thanks for asking.) I sat my ass on the porch and waited for honey to come home. He came home and was struggling to contain his mirth at my completely irrational fear of something the size of my palm, but got rid of the ebil mouse. After I washed all the sheets and blankets in the hottest water I could come up with, all was well.
Its a good thing I adore my Mighty Hunter, because otherwise, I’d have made him into a kittyskin hat for making mommy loose a night of sleep.

I Picked Out a Dress, and Other Wedding News

Wedding plans are chugging along nicely. The date of June 18th is now official. The wedding will be around 6PM, give or take a half an hour. The location given in the earlier entry is now also official. More pictures of the place can be found at thedessie.com. Yay! The wedding website is basically done – it just needs some clever text for the main page. The URL for the site should be announced shortly.
I picked out a my dress. It’s a rental, so I won’t be paying a zillion dollars for something I will never wear again. It probably weighs 20 pounds with all that beading and such on it, but meh. 🙂 The major question for discussion: how long til I trip over the train and do a head over heels move? I am, after all, a klutz.