January 2005 Archives

I so had a kick-ass Passion Parties weekend. I sold almost $1500 worth of product and made about $550. One of my parties was just shy of $1000. Yay!

Somehow, I managed to sell someone a $145 toy too.

Go me!

I would like to take this opportunity to shout, "Tricia kicks ass" from my rooftop. She helped me out so much over the last week. It seemed like everyone from my downline needed something while I was gone, and she stepped in and helped me out.

Yay Tricia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am home from Florida. More later. :)

When I say go to domain.com without www, I mean exactly what I say. I don't mean add www then compain when you can't get to the site. Grrr

If I ask you what you are seeing on the screen, that does not mean to click on stuff. It means to tell me what you are seeing. Grrr again.

so don't bug me. Don't call me for help, because I am not in the mood. Don't email me, I am not checking it.

All I want to do is go home and go back to sleep. Instead, I have to:

1. Finish work
   
2. Pick up the dry cleaning
3. Go the the post office and mail stuff
4. Go to the bank and get $$$$ for my trip
5. PACK

Well. I thought that I was perfectly ok with my earlier ass issues, because I had a jacket that I just happened to have brought to work this morning. Beautiful, right? Well, I wore my jacket today, and tramped about the office thinking I was golden- everything seemed to be covered.

As I was walking to my car today, I happened to get a glimpse of myself in a shop window. Yes, ass is completely covered. No, wait, shit. Ladies and gentlemen, my jacket was NOT long enough. I walked about work the whole day with my ass hanging out of my jeans.

For the record, I was wearing a very pretty black lace g-string. Although most of the people who worked with me today already knew that.

I am a class act. Really.

6. You are sick with a cold, and slurping snot everywhere. Especially if you are going to blow your nose IN MY EAR!

So, I am on the phone with a dude, and he feels the need to blow his nose, with the phone next to his mouth, and also without warning me. That sound came through my headset like thunder. It was a long, goopy blow too.

Gross.

So, I am having a horrible morning at work already, right? I have been running around trying to put out fires for a very rude pompous arsehole whose stuff can stay broken until the end of time as far as I care. (That is a topic for another rant, I think.) Anyway, so I come down to go talk to the aforementioned arsehole, and while sitting in my chair, I hear a sickening tearing sound.

My pants split down the arse. From inseam, to mid-arse right under the pocket. There is ass hanging out EVERYWHERE. To make things worse, I do not approve of panty lines, so to quote my friend Jes who was in a similar situation, Sisquo would approve of my undergarment choice. I get to go through 6 more hours of work with my ass hanging out. Yay! :-/

My ass is stuck to my leather chair. Great.

It has been raining here for 5 days straight. Everywhere you go is flooded. Now, it is so bad that I will most likely not be able to get home tonight. Every possible road home - flooded. The only way I can do it is to go about 60 miles out of my way, and I am sure everyone else is going to be trying the same trick.

I think I am going to end up spending the night with my MIL. Dammit rain! Go away.

I figure that since I do phone technical support, I figured I would provide a few helpful tips to people who might call.

Don't call me if even one of these conditions apply:

1. You are not in front of your computer.
2. You don't know your username/account number/domain name/email address/whatever.
3. You are not the contact on the account...I can't help you, so don't waste my time.
4. You don't know what operating system you are currently running.
5. You have no idea what error message you are getting.

If any of these things apply to you, do not call me and waste my time and yours. I will make you call me back with the information anyway.

....I HATE GOOGLE!

They made a change to their paid advertising today that screwed me over big time. I can't advertise my business site the way I have been, because I have a corporate site. I can't get a website that will be advertised properly by google because of corporate guidelines on websites. We can only use the official corporate site. Now, my ad goes in a rotation with the 30 other people who are advertising their site, and the one with the highest cost per click gets shown. Before, everyone's ad was shown, just not necessarily on the first page of a search. Basically, people like me who are spending their lunch money on ads are now fucked. People who can afford to spend $2 a click will get them all.

Shit. Damn Google.

Shakespeare had it right. Lawyers should all be herded out in the street and killed. They take your money, and a lot of it, and do NOTHING in return. A lawyer we hired for a little thingy a few years ago charged us 20K for NOTHING. We will be paying him off for the rest of our natural lives, and when we call for something, he tells us to go f- ourselves because we have not paid him the 20K we owe him. Mind you, we have been paying the agreed upon payment plan since the beginning, but that apparently is not good enough.

I guess lawyers CAN get something for nothing. Dammit.

...or at least not til next year....

It has been raining for what seems like years here on the West Coast. I guess we get a break today and tomorrow, then its back to rain and thunderstorms. We have gotten more than our usual rainfall less than halfway into the rainy season (or what passes for a rainy season here). I had better not hear any complaints from "experts" on drought this year though. :)

Southern California is sure a lot prettier when it is actually green. I guess I *could* get used to this rain after all.

Or in this case, the f-ing letter I took all the time to write. So, a customer sends a ticket in with a request. I complete the request, and send back a letter with a bunch of information, including the fact that his request takes 24 hours to update in the system. 3.5 minutes later, I get a call from the same dude, asking why it was not working. I tell him the 24 hours to update thing, and mention that the answers to the questions he is asking are in the letter I sent him. He replies, "oh, I got that, but did not read it. I figured I would call instead."

The hell? Thanks for wasting 15 minutes of my life, jerk.

*for those who don't know, RTFM means Read the Fucking Manual

As a part of my business, I am a part of a message board that is quite large. There are about 1500 other purveyors of adult products on there, and let me tell you, some them frighten me with their horrible emails. Now, I never claimed to be a master of the English language, but, seriously people, try to use punctuation and capitalisation. A comma or two now and then never hurt anyone. Spellcheck? Also safe. Use the tools people!

So, I just got off the phone with this dude who thinks he knows so much more than me. Gotta love the type - you can't possibly know anything about anything if you have BREASTS! Anyway, that is a rant for another day. So, this guy calls and starts being all condescending because HE can't keep track of his passwords. I nicely inform him of the difference between the 3 passwords he is ranting about, and he calls ME stupid.

I send him emails with all the information he is asking for, and he proceeds to tell me that it is wrong. (Not possible, because I tested it, loser). When I point out the correct, clearly labeled password that he needs to be using, I suddenly hear a click...and the caller is gone. Victory, sweet victory.

I need a shot....again

So, let me give you, my esteemed reader, a hypothetical. Given my earlier rant about the flood of calls from previously alcohol addled brains, and adding on the fact that your geeks are probably equally addled from too many adult libations, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SCHEDULE YOUR ENTIRE ADMIN STAFF OUT FOR TRAINING ON THE BUSIEST DAY OF THE YEAR? The stupid new piece of equipment that has been "coming soon" since the day I started couldn't wait two days? WTF!

Note to the alcohol addled callers: do not call me if you are on the freeway, on the toilet, or in the elevator. Don't have your secretary call me. Don't waste my time and yours by not being at a computer to troubleshoot your freeking issue. I have better things to do with my time than listen to you run to your desk, like eat that nice yummy piece of pizza sitting on my desk, that is now lukewarm and greasy because YOU wasted my time.

Dammit, where is the tequila? I need a shot.

Black Monday is to us geeks what Black Friday is to retailers. It is the day every year when users come back from their alcohol binges, and find stuff to complain about. Gotta love those geniuses that all the sudden figure out that their crap is mindbogglingly important to the world, and need it working immediately, when they have not paid their bill. Good times.

To make Black Monday even more terrible, the girls up front forgot to buy more coffee cream. They expect me to drink BLACK coffee? I can't work under these conditions. Geek abuse! Someone save me!

1. I am finally going to plan my bloody wedding. I have only been engaged TWO (count 'em two) years. What is the bloody hurry?

2. I am going to be a rockstar like my friend Jes and go to the gym...at least sometimes.

3. Ya know that beautiful burgundy dress, the one I cried for 20 minutes when I found out it did not fit anymore? Yeh, that one. I am going to wear it again. Really.

4. Hell, I am out of ideas already. Pathetic, that.

Because no one knows about this thing, so it does not have to be as cheery, happy, and kid-friendly as thedessie.com needs to be. :)

For example, I can ramble on about some issue I am having with my sex toys business without worrying about my dad stopping by to see Christmas pictures and going, WTF, my DAUGHTER sells sex toys? I can even throw down a colourful metaphor or two without fear.

Beware kiddies...adult ramblings ahead.